Fitting Room SatNav

Ohhhh! Did you hear about Verstappen? Great man, but this last race, I don’t know. Did you know he lives in the same apartment block as erm, what’s his name? Strange state of affairs that, if you ask me. Could swear my hay fever is getting worse every year… but know what I love about shopping? Going for a meal. Don’t you? But where’s the wife, she just can’t seem to get enough of it. – The two friends were saying to each other, patiently waiting on on a bench outside a shop.

Dear men, they forgot about you

These women, dear men, these women don’t think about you. Not your trendy tops, not your strong hands – you’re a mechanic? Nope, these women don’t give you a second thought. They’re in a different world, a world full of other women. Women called ‘mum’ and ‘almost-women’ who are definitely not going to try on that skirt their mum has just plucked from the clothing rack. I think all young women are beautiful and I sometimes wonder: was I like that once? Mothers on the other hand, are all either too tired, too hip or too bossy. I purposely avoid wondering: am I like that? Thing is: I’m worse. If you were to put yourself in my daughter’s shoes, you’d forever catch me saying: I’ll wait until I’m home and then I’ll look online. If you were to put yourself in my daughter’s shoes and stand with me in the fitting room queue, oh beware, I could accidently let slip the word ‘online’ when you least want to hear it.


What on earth are those women doing in there!

I didn’t say this yesterday though. Because we were in high spirits …and who cares, mum, if you need an L instead of an S…those sizes don’t really mean anything. We patiently waited for our turn for a fitting room. For goodness sake! What on earth are those women doing in there! And, hey, that one’s constantly ferrying a fresh supply of clothes for the other. Hallloooo!! That’s just not on!

Brilliant idea

And then I have a brainwave. A brilliant idea. My virtual fitting room assistant. A sort of TomTom that dishes out instructions:

  1. Remove garment (wherever possible)
  2. Remove garment, hang neatly on hanger
  3. No, you’re too old for such a low cut top
  4. Have you seen how much it costs?
  5. Is that not the same outfit your daughter is wearing?
  6. You’re now approaching your maximum number of fitting room minutes
  7. The countdown is about to begin
  8. 1 minute…50 seconds…hurry up…30 seconds…in 20 seconds the dressing room doors will automatically open…right, time’s up…oops sorry miscounted…doors opening – doors opening


That’ll teach them, those fitting room women who leave their loyal husbands waiting for an eternity outside. What these women don’t know is that next time we’ll plant their husbands behind the one-way mirror in the fitting room and allow them to speak through the SatNav. Only their wife’s fitting room, mind; we don’t want any funny business.

In fact, I’ve already sold my concept to Pull & Bear, Forever21, H&M, Monki, Zara, Primark, Superdry and, oh no, not Superdry, there’s never anyone there, far too expensive, and H&M. Yes, I am perfectly aware I mentioned H&M twice. But you don’t seem to mind browsing your second H&M in the same street, do you? Another good excuse to go and try stuff on again as far as you’re concerned. Am I right?