People ask me all sorts of things. How to become a millionaire / president / Olympic champion / minion, you name it. I’ve even been asked: how do you become a blogger?
I must admit, it’s great being a blogger. You’re revered as some sort of intellectual celebrity, an independent, critical thinker. Writer, I mean, writer. Which is why everyone and their dog wants to be one. Thing is, you don’t really become one; you just ARE one, a bit like a doctor. But how do you make sure that everyone else knows it?
For those of you yearning to become a regular opinion spouter in your local rag, here’s the very first (ergo, unique) 5-step guide on ‘How to become a blogger’.
- Get a typing diploma. Seriously. You’ve no idea how much time is wasted scrabbling for letters. Costs at least a few seconds per line. 100 lines later and whoops – there goes your productivity. And your deadline. You’ll never make a successful blogger without that diploma.
- Make sure you’re in possession of a TV. Bloggers watch an unbelievable amount of television. For professional purposes only, of course. How do I know? Because they’re constantly wittering on about TV programs, TV celebrities and how trashy it all is. Honestly, I was just as surprised to learn how much TV they really watch as you are! It also begs the question – do they watch from the comfort of their own sofa or the officialdom of a desk?
- Improve your grasp of your native tongue. That way you won’t write long, rambling 30-word sentences that send your audience to sleep. Or place the same keyword twice in 1 paragraph. Unless it’s about bloggers, that is. There are hundreds of other important rules too, but they’ll keep for another time.
- Inject a little humour into your writing. Note: this doesn’t mean that you have to be an innately funny person. My writing is much funnier than I really am, believe you me. People want ‘horror’, but it has to be funny.
- Choose an audience that you can relate to. Women’s Journal is fine, lots of readers. But then write about your dog, child, the latest fashion, that terrible disease (whatshumacallit again?) or how your life changed beyond recognition after/ because of / thanks to / in spite of. Adapt to your audience. Otherwise you’ll have to hope that your brilliant, inimitable creations somehow match your chosen medium. And that can take some time.
Done all that? Good. Now all you need to do is get that editor’s phone number. And then call, of course, call. Because they’re not going to call you. You should see just how many wannabe bloggers spam our inbox with nonsense every week! So, pick up the phone. Run through what you’re going to say, and call. Try not to stutter and, whatever you do, don’t come across as submissive. You’re an up-and-coming blogger, don’t forget. The one they’re all talking about. Saying: hey isn’t that that woman who someone once called a ‘real, hot chick’?