Finishing what I didn’t begin.

The title says it all. You could skip the entire blog, because you already get it.

It feels great to finish something that you began. Something that you chose for yourself, something that’s truly yours. I finished my education, chose my husband (and husband chose me), bought a house, had some children (not that there’s much choosing involved in that) and then raised said children. You don’t stop half way along the way with such endeavours. Unless you have no choice. But that’s not what this is about. You finish what you began. What you once chose yourself, alone or together. Increasingly together. Your heart is in it, it’s yours, you want to finish it. Difficult or easy, it’s yours, and you want to finish it. You don’t let go what your own hand has begun.

Not letting go of what your own hand began

You look at your hands. Therein lies all that you once started – all your choices, your plans, your children. You don’t want to let go of anything, you want to finish it all, because it’s yours. You look at your hands and feel something heavy weighing on them. Huh? I didn’t start THAT! Who put that there? It’s not mine! It must be a mistake. Take it away. It’s not mine and I’m not going to finish it, either. I’m definitely not going to finish something that I didn’t start myself. Something I don’t want anything to do with, have absolutely no interest in and which I certainly won’t look back on fondly.

Parkinson’s – I’m not interested

Parkinson’s is in my hands and I must finish it, even if it can never be finished. If you look closely, you can see that your hands are holding other things that you didn’t start yourself. A loss, a sadness, a mistake. You have to finish them all, even though you didn’t start them yourself. You have absolutely no desire to. If only I could let go of those things my hand had so reluctantly begun. My hands aren’t made for this at all. And, incidentally – what about all those other things in my hands, the ones I started myself? Can I still finish them? Or can I only finish what I didn’t begin? I mustn’t think about it. There’s simply too much to begin, let alone finish.

Wait, wait, wait!

I could almost finish this blog without it being finished – oh, the irony! Parkinson’s has left much more in my hands. Things that I didn’t start myself because I didn’t even know they existed:

New friends, who feel like old, long-lost ones because you share something big.
New plans, because after the first blow you want a new future.
New exercise regime – boxing, running, fitness, cycling, walking. I exercise my proverbial socks off.
These are all things I would never have started myself. If I had the choice. Or if my environment had the choice. If we could choose, then we would know. I don’t know so many people who voluntarily begin Parkinson’s.

I look at my hands again and study what they contain.
I think I’ll finish it. Finish what I didn’t begin.

 

 

 

Mariette Robijn, Huizen, The Netherlands, 2018-01-18

Leave a Reply